Some Notes, Bad Thoughts and Vulnerable Stories on Loneliness, Isolation and the Quarantinooo

I’ve been burned out on people recently. It’s weird to admit that since I’ve only technically seen my roommates and the guy who delivered my groceries — but I still feel like people are on my ass. I can’t seem to get away from all the noise. Being sheltered in place has felt a bit like being permanently plugged in. And since I can’t legally “get away” (California’s Shelter-in-Place laws are in effect through the end of July. Please pray to your chosen god/gods/lizards on our behalf. We desperately need any help at this point.), I just stopped. Calling a friend back felt too exhausting, starting a new sketch idea was overwhelming and sitting down to write felt absolutely impossible.

While Zoom fatigue (You guys, there were SO MANY different sources I could have chosen. It made me feel sad and also depressed!) is something that is apparently happening, I think my exhaustion stemmed from not taking enough time for myself. As a selfish Millennial I feel naturally inclined to give myself the adequate amount of “me time” that my astrological chart demands, but being in quarantine makes it harder to unplug. Our screens are the only connection we have to family, friends and (dare I say?) fuckboys. So when I’m not on my phone or laptop, the pangs of being single and alone in quarantine set in — I wonder when I will be able to go on an actual date that isn’t FaceTime again? Maybe I should have gone out with that guy who sucked so I could at least have someone to bake bread with and do puzzles? I was on the fence about kids, but that feels completely off the table now, huh? Am I meant to be alone and this is fate’s cruel, twisted way of telling me? Will I get married after 40 like Liz Lemon?

I have never spent less time with fewer people in all my life. But needing a screen to connect with everyone has been overwhelming. I don’t want to schedule another Zoom call or FaceTime chat, I want to go to a concert and dance with a boy. Today I don’t feel isolated (in fact, there are texts I am ignoring now); today I feel exhausted, burned out, and could honestly use some alone time.

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I’ve been in LA for maybe three months and I feel slightly miserable and like a slight failure. I crave the company of people, but there’s no one I care enough about to make the effort to try and see. Am I depressed? Is this depression? Why can’t I make an effort? It’s confusing to feel sad next to palm trees in perfect weather.

I ache for my old life that my sister helped me drive away from in late May. It’s okay that I don’t really have a life here yet, these things take time, you’re being too hard on yourself. Maybe just text that one boy back, see if he’s free tonight? Oh shit, he wants to meet up. No, no, no — you’re not ready. Just tell him maybe next time.

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Here are some facts about loneliness that Google taught me today (I, naturally, added some of my own thoughts to these…sorry, couldn’t help myself!):

• Loneliness makes our bodies feel like they are under attack.

Okay, this is really sad but also explains a lot. Like, for example, why I have been taking so many more anxiety naps compared to earlier on in the year

• Chronic loneliness significantly increases our risk of cardiovascular disease.

If you don’t die from COVID-19, rest assured, death will still come — but in the form of a heart attack.

• More than 60% of lonely people are married.

Lolololol this one is for my single people! Keep up the good fight.

• Loneliness is contagious in social networks.

Luckily, these are at a minimum these days.

• Loneliness is as dangerous as cigarette smoking.

Okay Psychology Today, this one feels like a forced connection. If you’re a popular high schooler reading this, (my blog’s ideal demographic by the way) please know that smoking isn’t cool or healthier than sheltering in place with your parents!

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Writing is so isolating and self-serving that I’m sure I will die from trying too hard at it. This is not an exaggeration; this is a rational thought. I am certainly not above crawling into a hole and staying there indefinitely — literally dare me! Trying to be funny while also trying to be a writer is an excruciating way to spend your time, in my opinion.

I sometimes wonder if I am causing more harm than good? And then I feel like an asshole to assume I could cause anything.

For the most part, writing is a solo endeavor. That means you’re by yourself a lot. After all, it is not a common social practice (at least in my experience) to write in front of other people. It would be off-putting, I think, to journal in the middle of a party or at a networking event. Luckily, we don’t have to worry about this for the time being.

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The first person I remember truly missing is my sister. (Sorry, mom and dad!) I was staying over at my cousin’s for the first time without her. My cousin had fallen asleep hours ago. I was listening to the sounds of Kansas summer nights, insects and trains — and thinking about the murderer who would most certainly come through that back door.

Being the last person to fall asleep at a slumber party is hell.

I think being lonely as an adult is very different than being lonely as a kid. Both are sad but in different ways. I can’t decide if I would rather be a kid or an adult right now, as if I have some choice in the matter.

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Things I Do to Realign Myself

1. Go on lots of walks and exercise heavily
2. Cook and try to eat healthy (this is the one that rarely goes great for me)
3. Journal and write
4. Spend less time on social media
5. Spend more time outside
6. Get off screens and read a book
7. Be selfish and don’t feel guilty about not getting back to people right away
8. Dance alone in your room or on your porch

I think I am cured now. Maybe I won’t cancel all those Zoom meetings? (Sorry if I still need to text you back or owe you a call. I’ll get to that — eventually.)