Finance Guru?! This Woman Buys $95 Anthropologie Tops Instead of $150 Therapy Session

Los Angeles, CA : “I did the math — all by myself,” said local LA resident Sydney Pryers, who has a credit score of 600 and a philosophy degree from the University of Phoenix.

Claiming to “not even be able to afford my morning wheatgrass latté,” Pryers has created an affordable alternative as therapy rates remain out of reach for many city-dwelling Millennials.

Though a bit unconventional, Pryers is no longer letting the hefty fees of therapy and pharmaceutical pills get in the way. Instead of attending a traditional brick-and-mortar style therapy office, she’s spending her free time and limited funds on major retail websites.

“While therapy rates have risen along with cost of living, salaries remain stagnant,” Pryers said with her fist to the sky. “In fact, it’s cheaper for me to buy a few Anthropologie tops ranging in price from $75–95 vs. a weekly therapy session at $130 a hour.”

Pryer’s simple, expensive, easy-to-follow daily schedule is as follows:

1. Wake up at 10am
2. Postmates a $45 breakfast
3. Think about applying for jobs
4. Briefly consider updating résumé
5. Look at photos of tiny dogs who are friends with birds
6. Shower by 3pm
7. Stare out the window for 45 minutes, thinking “oh wow! I was supposed to be a published author by now!” and other things like that
8. Shop
9. Call mom to explain how life is unfair
10. Rinse and repeat!

This trend appears to be growing amongst the Millenial and Gen Z generations, most of whom are now too old to be on their parents’ insurance plans. Practitioners of this avante garde self-care wave grew by 15% in the last 9 weeks alone.

“It’s like I finally have my life back,” said Pryers’s friend Tiffany Blake, a recent convert to this new therapy.

“Sure, I haven’t been to the dentist in over 3 years and my hair is falling out due to the stress of it all, but I have an amazing wardrobe that makes me feel confident!” said Blake.

Research has shown that healthcare experts are powerless to stop this- their motivation and empathy obliterated by burnout and underpaying.

“It’s troubling to see,” said Kevin Quan, a research psychologist at Johns Hopkins. “I want my students to invest in their futures and their health like I do. That’s why I let my mom do my laundry when she stops by to pay my rent every month.”

Despite dozens of solicitor calls, texts and emails during Open Enrollment, Pryers, Blake and Quan all remain uninsured.

“It’s like the crushing weight of becoming an adult in a late capitalist society is causing them to seek immediate gratification,” observes Quan.

“I know I’ll never own a house, but maybe I can own that ruby rose colored trench coat I saw at Madewell,” said Pryers. “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”